By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
