i wish starbucks made bloody marys
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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