Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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