I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
