Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
