Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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