i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
