So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
