wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
