I accidentally had phone sex last night
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
