I think I won the penis lottery.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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