I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
