the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
