We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
