I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
