my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
