I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
