she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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