dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
