im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
