First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
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