He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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