There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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