sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
