Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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