Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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