someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
