i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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