So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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