we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
