he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
