Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
