My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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