she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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