What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize