I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
