When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
