some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
