I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
