wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
