on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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