I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
