Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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