So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize