so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
