ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
