you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
