seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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