I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
