I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
