Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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