i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize