he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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