Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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