I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Girls should come with a carfax report
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
