Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
