And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
