I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This is the high leading the old right now
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Randomize
