just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
